What the heart has once had
by InWaterInLove
Summary: Susan Pevensie is back in England far away from Caspian who she had an amorous affair with noone knew the depth of. Accompany Susan in the dwellings of her past and the future which harbours so much more... Please R&R !


If you had looked into that particular window of a particular small house in Britain you would have seen a barely-17-year old woman with dark hair and crystal blue eyes drenched with the emotions she couldnt hold in.

She lied on her bed, arms folded under her head, tears streaming down her face. It had been about a month ago when they had returned from Narnia, but Susan still believed – no, she KNEW – that the most important of her had been left back: her heart.

But sometimes, she understood, the word heart meant a lot of things: which one did she miss more ? Her kingdom, its inhabitants, bravery, honour. It all felt meaningless because the most important couldnt compare to it – her lover.

"No, he was more than that," she thought. Many foremost accotiate a lover with lust, ecstasy, need. But even the highest of heavens havent found the appropriate word for such an amount of tenderness and love he had also given her.

"If you, Caspian, only knew what exactly you gave me ! Knowing you, you would be probably more depressed than I will ever be..." she thought sadly slipping away into the memories she harboured as a treasure...

...

It had been a constant lingering feeling they couldnt explain themselves in the air when they met. Sometimes it displayed the friendly closeness of two souls waiting to have found one another after a long time. On other, more private occations they were like thunder and lightning becoming one as if producing an electric heat in the air which would have rendered even Einstein speechless.

Caspian couldnt answer when it began for when looking back, every moment with her seemed like something special. Was it the moment they locked eyes for the first time ? Or when he felt the pain of misery stab into his heart when he looked into the disappointed eyes of her after the White Witch incident ?

Susan on the other hand knew exactly when she couldnt deny herself the want of having the company of the Telmarine...It had been a day of warm sunshine. The good weather didnt seem to share the angst of the Narnians. For Susan it was a day of teaching a group of Narnians how to better shoot an arrow. But after some time even she had to admit that all the physical action had worn her out so much that she was in desperate need of rest. Giving last instructions for those in need of them she gathered her bow and arrow and set off for a few relaxing minutes by the wood-sheltered river creek not far away.

She enjoyed every seldom second of being alone and directed her attention to the light above her head which shone through the scarce orifices the centuries old trees provided for the moss under her feet. She already heard the water rushing which sounded like the most difficult symphony in the silence around her. Coming nearer she discovered that the symphony had its leading singer ! How you ask ? Well, Susan herself wasnt less surprised when she heard someone humming a tune in a loud voice. She carefully hid herself behind a thick bush and squinted her eyes to see the proud soprano. Her cheeks turned red in a matter of seconds when she saw Caspians luscious torso above the flowing water which barely covered his nether regions.

Susan had never been one to get a crush on every handsome young man she met, but if this one standing before her wasnt considered major eye candy than she didnt know what to name him. He was splashing water over his face and body, probably refreshing after a tiresome sword fight with Edmund all the while humming a melody.

"What the heavens am I doing now ? I could probably walk away and pretend that I never saw him. On the other hand, I will probably never have the second opportunity to see him bare-ches-..SUSAN PEVENSIE, get your mind out of the gutter ! From what moment on have you wanted to see him naked !? Hes just our ally. Oh my, Im rambling to myself now...Well, he cant see me from here. Besides, no harm in looking..." thought Susan, so she just remained in her position and watched the Telmarine.

She couldnt understand why she didnt go away. Probably because the forbidden and dangerous is always more interesting. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the situation and not think too much.

"Oh my, hes coming out of the water !!" was everything she could think of when he started to make his way back. Susan being the modest girl quickly shut her eyes and turned her head away but even she was too fascinated of the situation and slowly turned her head back. There she could see Caspian turned to her with his naked back putting on his lether trousers.

"Isnt this a typical situation from a romance novel ? Only that I should be supposed to come out of the water". But this thought made her blush even more.

And then she heard it :

"And if I ever lose myself to you like a million others want to do – somebody wake me, somebody just pull me out. Shes gonna take me, show me what its all about". He sang it with so much feeling, cherishing every note and she just couldnt help but wonder if he had been having singing lessons for such a trained voice wasnt given to everyone.

She saw him staring out into nothingness, clearly in his own thoughts before putting on his shirt and vest and exiting the woods from another direction than she had come from.

"There goes my peaceful afternoon" for she knew that she couldnt get that picture out of her head any time soon. It wasnt the fear of being discoverd that scared her so. No, it was the tingling feeling in her lower stomach she had no control of...

...

He sat there, head in his hands.

"How could I be so stupid to almost jeopardize everything we have achieved so far ? Oh, what weakness the human mind possesses. And, oh God, Susan..." thought Caspian hitting his head one more time into his palms. There he sat on a piece of rock in a small cavern in a far corner of the under-ground fortress feeling disgraced and desperate.

"Who is it ?" asked Caspian after hearing steps approaching not taking his palms from his face for his hearing ability had improved after all these days of constant fighting.

"Its just me, Queen Susan."

"Is there everything of grave urgency or are you also coming to condemn me, Your Majesty?" said Caspian adverting his gaze to Susan.

"Why do you think that I would condemn you ? After all, one of my own brothers was once trapped under her power !" said Susan a little boisterous. She went on in a much more gentle tone: "I just want to understand..."

"Do you really want to understand or are you just as prejudiced as your older brother ? You dont know me, Queen of Old !"

"And how could I know if you dont explain it to me ! Aah ? I just want to be of help and you push me away like a stubborn child !" gave Susan contra, beginning to raise her voice. Yes, she really was Susan the Gentle, but this man and the stressy situation made her blood boil.

"A stubborn child," said Caspian in a silent but none the less dangerous disbelieving voice, rising from the stone and taking a few steps nearer to her, "thats what you see in me then. I must say, that this insult has condemned me more than probably any other word ever could."

He turned around and wanted to exit the room when he felt a grip on his hand making him turn around. Susan held his hand not letting him go, stood close to him and whispered: "No, I do not see a child. Only a man who is lost at this moment. I wont ask of you to remain strong. I plead," explained Susan sincerely never breaking eye contact.

Caspian just watched her face dumfound and put his hand on hers removing, but still holding it, not noticing the little circles his thumb began to make to lower the nervousness. Both his and hers. "You can count on my word, Queen Susan. From this moment on I will do everything in my power to guarantee the welfare of the souls I have to lead. I sincerely hope that one day you will forgive me this moment of weakness and that I can prove myself worthy of the challenge that has been bestowed on me."

Susan looked into those smoldering eyes only Caspian seemed to possess not wanting to believe what she was hearing. Gently freeing her hand she asked him her voice drenched in disbelief taking a step back: "I realise that it was a mistake to even consider the help of the White Witch, but why do you always doubt ? Tell me, why ?!"

Susan hadnt even time to think before she felt her back pressed against the wall where Caspian had pushed her holding her hips firmly. She couldnt even utter a word when he already was practically invading her mouth with his tounge, taking her, drinking from her like only a thirsting man could do, searching desperately for proof that those werent only empty words she had been saying.

And although she was deeply shocked, she couldnt resist taking up on the battle he had initiated. Failing miserably of course. Just when she was starting to let loose he pulled abruptly back, pressed his forehead against hers and whispered hoarsly against her lips: "I may be strong on the battlefield but I am only a man and I do have my weakness, Your Majesty – sometimes I lose the battle against a sweet temptation."

Having pressed a last lingering kiss to her cheek he exited the cavern leaving behind Susan who couldnt help but start fanning her cheeks with her hand. Holding onto her countenance she let only one tear escape...

...

The following day neither one said anything to one another. Not that they had much time: the army had to be replanned, weapons found. Susan was too shocked about all the emotions welling up inside her, Caspian was wordless about the boldness he had expressed by kissing one of the greatest legends Narnia had ever had. Needless to say that their eye-contact was a little awkward.

"One day I am reading about her in my history books, the other night Im kissing her as if there was no tomorrow ! That reminds me, Miraz might be arriving in two days, so my tomorrows might be in fact counted..." thought Caspian as he slendered through the corridors of Aslans How. "The sun hasnt set yet, if I am quick I might sit by the river for a minute. Ill inform Trumpkin so that they wont be too scared if they dont find me. Not as if I was needed at the moment. The council gathered in the morning and Peter likes being king so much. He wont miss me for a few minutes." So he took his sword and set off to the creek.

But arriving there he noticed Susan sitting there.

"It seems to be a more popular place than I thought."

He silently made his way to her. Susan, seemingly in thought, didnt notice him before he plopped himself down to her.

"Aaah !? Oh, its you Caspian," uttered Susan bringing a hand to her heart to get a hold of the surprise.

"How could I not notice him ? Next time it is a Telmarine soldier and I am long dead before I can pick up my bow," thought Susan.

So they sat there next to each over for some minutes not uttering a word. Susan wanted desperately to ease the tension but she didnt want him to feel pressured for now she knew how an interrogation of him could end.

"If there is a way for me to gain your forgivness, I hope you know that I would do almost everything, Your Majesty," said Caspian still not looking at her but staring ahead.

"I accept your apology, but trust me Im also embarrased for practically yelling at you."

"No, you did nothing wrong. I was weak yesterday and there is no apology for that."

"Dont you trust us ?" asked Susan, finally looking at him.

He thought for a moment and then said: "Yes, I do. Besides, it is the only choice given to me." He paused for a while and then continued: "It is just that most of my life I have had to be precautious. I have lived a long time in fear of my uncle having a son. Five years ago his wife was heavy with child. It was a daughter. My uncle was too drunk in that night and had her suffocated. Over these five years my aunt has had three if not more miscarriages because of the fear of having another daughter. How can one do something so terrible to his own child ?" He paused and silently said looking into her eyes: "Imagine, she was only a tiny girl. Not a convict. This shocked me deeply and I do have problems to trust people."

Susan was speechless for a moment and couldnt do nothing more than just stare into his eyes. She finally said: "But you must trust me because of having finally eased your heart."

"This is true." After a while he continued with a little smile on his face: "Do you know, Your Majesty, on that night five years ago I made a promise to me. Where I to have a daughter one day, firstborn or not, she would have the most loving father of all. She would be cherished just like a princess which in fact she would be."

"Then I know your daughter will be one happy child," said Susan smiling because, hey! How often does a warrior confess something like that ?

"Probably only one with a tender heart inside a rough shell," thought Susan.

"Caspian, could you do me a favour ?" asked Susan looking at him.

"I would do anything in my power for Your Majesty. How could I be of help ?"

"That exactly is it. When were alone, please, call me Susan. After all weve been through it feels a little awkward if you always call me Your Majesty."

"Are you sure, Your Majesty ?"

"Caspian !"

"If you wish so, Susan, than I am more than happy to bend to your will," he said huskily. Susan was more than happy to hear her name roll off his tongue. His accent was nothing she had heard before. She thanked the heavens for sitting right now because she was sure that her knees would have gone weak from him expressing such obedience. They hadnt before noticed that during their conversation they had come closer and closer to each other to hear one another better. But now the tension in the air was too thick not to be noticed.

"But please, I would be more comfortable if you still called me Queen Susan in front of my brothers. They, especially Peter, are a little paranoid. They might think that...that...," she now noticed that her face was centimetres away from his.

"What, Susan ?" asked Caspian, his lips now almost touching hers.

Susans eyes flashed quickly to his lips than turned to his dark lust-filled eyes and she answered: "That there is something going on between us..."

As soon as she had uttered those words their lips touched in perfect bliss. It wasnt like yesterday – hasty and rough – but gentle and cautious. They treasured the beautiful silence around them far away from the massacre that would await them eventually.

They pulled back for a second. Both of them could see the want and need in each others eyes. Pure and boundless. Caspian looked down to Susans red swollen lips and couldnt stand it anymore. They both put one hand behind the others neck and pulled their partner closer so that their lips could touch. It wasnt a second later that their lips were engaged in a passionate tango, neither one of them wanting to be the submissive party. As Caspian noticed, Susan tasted of berries she must have ate just a moment ago. And, oh, her scent ! It was a combination of some flowerly fragrance and something purely feminine. Caspian on the other hand was all masculine. "Perfect," was the only thing Susan could think of.

She tangled her hands in his silky-looking hair (which in fact was silky from the feel as Susan could then determine). They both felt in that moment stronger than before that it was war. They werent rational. There was something in the air which showed that together had come two young people who didnt want to be alone. They seeked for comfort and shelter that only one person could give the other.

And so it was that Susan only welcomed Caspian pressing her back to the soft but damp ground. Like she once said to Lucy, she wanted to be happy while it lasts. She pressed Caspian nearer to her (as if it was possible with their clothes on). This man in front of (pardon me, ON) her felt like perfection to her. Just like home.

She wasnt very surprised to begin to feel a bulge against her nether regions and she only encouraged it by sliding her hands over hist chest to the beginning of his trousers. Meanwhile they never left the others mouth – only to take an occasional amount of oxygen to further their assault in one anothers mouths.

"If it isnt my lucky day," thought Caspian as he caught sight of the fact that Susans corset was corded at the front. He unfumbled the laces which made also the white blouse under her corset-like dress loosen. That gave Caspian the perfect opportunity to free Susans bosom. Her nipples were more than aroused from the constant heat of two bodies pressed together.

For a moment he just looked at the nymph under him. He seemed to forget the time and Susan was meanwhile becoming crazy from apprehension that there might be something he didnt like.

"Divine," said Caspian before he again covered her body, kissed her, beginning to kneed her breasts which seemed to fit perfectly into his rough but delicate hands.

Susan gasped loudly when Caspians lips found their way to her right breast his other hands never leaving its current spot.

In that moment neither one felt the need to say anything. Susans mind was so clouded from ecstasy that she couldnt even form a comprehensible thought. Only throw her head back and tangle her hands in his hair. She simply wished this paradise to go on further. Maybe, also farther. She couldnt help but rub herself more against him.

Susan craddled Caspians face and hoarsed: "Please, Caspian." Realization dawned on Caspian and although he was baffled in the beginning something like clicked in his head. He let his head fall down onto her bosom with a deep sigh.

"Susan, do not think that I dont desire you. But please, understand my decision." He slowly pushed himself up from her. Susan sat up straight, making them now sit in front of each other.

Caspian pulled up her blouse and began to fasten the laces of her corset all the while looking in to her eyes saying: "There would be nothing more that I desired to being one with you in this moment. Losing a war, dieing – that would be nothing. But I couldnt live with the shame of having taken a queen on the damp ground like a common courtesan. If the heavens bless us and we win this fight and both stay alive, then I will cherich you, my queen, the way you are supposed to. That means, only if my queen is willing to for you are under no obligation to me at all." He finished the lacing and looked into her eyes.

To say that Susan was a little embarrased would be a misunderstanding. She couldnt believe that she had gone so far without thinking at all. She loved and on the other hand hated how this man seemed to make her loose her mind in a matter of seconds. For she knew that if he hadnt stopped, well lets say that she doubted that she wouldve.

"Youre a good man, Caspian," was all she was able to say for a few second. She then cupped his cheek and pressed a sweet little kiss to his cheek. They got up and noticed that the sun had almost set. High time for them to leave to a protected shelter.

They decided to split up near the fortress as if they had come from different directions.

Susan had made a few steps away from him when she turned herself one last time to Caspian and said: "You were wrong about yourself, Caspian. You can handle temptations very well."

"Touche΄, my queen, but this is only because I am awaiting a far greater temptation to surrender completely to," he said huskily and winked.

Susan just tilted her head to one side and smiled at him cheekily turning around and beginning her way back.

"I pardon you, Susan, but one last thing !" he said waiting for her to turn around. "I adore it, but you might want to lift that blouse a little higher if you dont wish to expose me to a slow and painful death by the hands of your brothers."

Looking down Susan saw that Europe was tiny in comparison to the love mark Caspian had burned her bosom with.

...

"We won. We really won," was everything Susan could think of after the grand coronation of Caspian X. After a long time she could enjoy a beautiful feast in peace. But yes, peace is relative. Especially when you are High Queen and are seated to the left of Caspian.

On that night Susan was more than happy to finally have the chance to wear a dress that wasnt made for fighting evil soldiers. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it was nevertheless a form of luxury. And the corset made her hourglass figure simply look divine. The Telmarine dressmakers practically set up a camp in front of her chambers, struggling to get to the queen first. On Caspians coronation she wore a traditional fiery red Narnian gown with golden embroidery. For Susan it represented the bravery they had shown. But for her ball-gown she had something totally different in mind...

And so it was that there wasnt only one head that turned when she finally descended the main staircase entering the ballroom fashionably late. Her hair was partially up the other half falling wavy over her shoulders. She had decided to wear a true masterpiece of a princess-cut dress. The old-rose´ off-the-shoulder dress clung perfectly to her form. All over the lower part the dress was covered by green embroidery that looked just like moss harbouring little gems that shone in all the colours of the rainbow representing little blossoms.

Susan wasnt a vain girl but having seen that dress she couldnt help but accept it. She had the chance to look her best that night and she wasnt going to give that up. Especially because she knew that this night could be so much more than only a ball.

And so it was that she felt a little giddy but contented when she saw a flabbergasted Caspian standing up to greet her giving her hand a kiss.

"A waltz when she walks in the room," thought Caspian.

As Susan was seated she began conversation with Lucy on her left who was more than happy to see her usually quite reserved sister getting the attention she deserved.

Caspian couldnt think clear for some minutes for he never expected to see Susan so radiant. He immediately percieved that it wasnt the the dress that accentuated her beauty but the other way around.

When he saw that Lucy was in heavy conversation with the person on her left and Peter had gone to visit the restroom he had the chance to lean nearer to Susan and whisper near her ear: "I must have done something good in my life for I cant find another reason why the heavens should grant me the chance to spend an evening beside such a celestial beauty as yourself."

"I thank you for the compliment, Caspian," was all she could muster, her cheeks turning a little bit redder.

"I hope you wont decline me the honour of having the next dance with you, will you ?"

"It would be my pleasure," said Susan a little bolder then usual.

Caspians eyes looked into hers, darker then ever. It really had been her intention for Caspian to understand the hidden meaning behind her answer.

Caspian took her hand in his and slowly led her to the dance floor. Out of propriety (and of course curiosity) the guests silently backed to the walls as the little orchestra began to play a beautiful swift melancholic tune.

1300 years ago Susan had been a fairly decent dancer. Some courters even described her as talented. But even she couldnt deny that she felt a little nervous as she was led to the centre of the dance floor on Caspians arm.

She had silently dreaded but also wished for Caspian to ask her out for a dance. The basic steps of the dances hadnt changed much. It was only the Telmarine temperament which made them all the more desirable to participate in.

And before she could form an apology for maybe not remembering the steps, had Caspian taken the lead and begun the dance. It was a whirlwind of brocade and delicately placed steps. She never would have imagined that she would remember the dance schemes so well, but somehow everything was coming back to her.

"My luck, for in this moment Id give much not to become a laughing stock," she thought.

The dance was hotblooded and intimate. Well, maybe not by the standards of the 20. century, but Susan noticed that much had definitely changed. Throughout history the most intimate dances were anyway held by the mere touching of hands and the conversation of the eyes which would say more than a thousand words.

At the same time, Peter had come back from the restroom. He cocked his eyebrow at the intimately dancing pair and then went back to his seat next to his brother who was sitting on his right. He was more than surprised for all throughout the evening Susan hadnt uttered a word about wanting to dance. And usually he or Edmund had the first dance with her.

"Maybe you could explain to me what is going on here ?"

Edmund just stared at him not knowing what to say. They looked at the pair and at the same time turning their heads to one another said: "No...!"

Not totally sure if they were convinced by their answers, they simply continued with the meal changing to other subjects.

AN: First chapter done ! A big cooky for the one who is the first to tell what song Caspian is singing by the river creek ! I am always SOOO happy when someone reviews. Every author having written a story should know what Im talking about. If you like the story, add it to your alerts for next chapters will definitely come !


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